Why We Shouldn't Fall In Love
Five years ago, when our government announced the COVID-19 lockdown, I made a vlogcast with one of my longest-good friends—Tata. In that episode (watch here), we talked about BUCIN (Budak Cinta / Slaves of Love). Looking back at it now, five years later—still single, still navigating this life solo—I’m reminded of my decision not to rush into anything, especially romantic relationships.
I’ve been meaning to write this piece since last month, about how, in my view, falling in love is misleading. Society—whether pre-COVID or even now—keeps reinforcing the idea that we should open ourselves up to love, welcome it without fear, and be ready to fall. But what people rarely talk about is how to prepare for heartbreak or failure. The conversation is always about success—how love is one of the achievements we must have, a milestone we must reach, as if not having it makes our lives incomplete.
The phrase fall in love itself is misleading. It makes love sound like an accident—something that just happens to us, without intention, without choice. But love isn’t about tripping into someone’s arms and hoping for the best. Love is a decision, a progression, a conscious step forward. Yet, this phrase has shaped how people approach relationships—leading to unrealistic expectations, to the belief that love should always be effortless. Think of all the Hollywood rom-coms that have brainwashed us for years—painting love as some magical force that sweeps people off their feet. It’s one of the biggest misrepresentations of what love actually is.
Real love isn’t just falling—it’s stepping forward, progressing, choosing, and diving in with awareness. What if love wasn’t about falling, but about learning, choosing, and nurturing? Maybe we should say grow in love instead. Because when love is real, it doesn’t just happen—it deepens, expands, and evolves over time.
The idea of falling in love creates passivity, making people feel like love is out of their control. Now, I finally understand why I used to jump in and out of so-called love so easily. Because love is intoxicating. It’s human nature to hope when we love—to believe in possibilities, in fairytales, in what-ifs. And people don’t prepare for love the way they prepare for loss. We assume that love will guide itself, that feelings alone will be enough to build something real. This is why the world keeps telling us to open ourselves to love, but barely teaches us how to manage expectations when it arrives.
People focus so much on mending heartbreak because pain demands attention. When love ends, it’s raw, it’s visible, it’s something people can point to and say, "Here, this is what needs fixing." But managing expectations when we enter love? That’s a quieter struggle—one that most don’t even realize they should address until it’s too late.
The truth is, that love is an active choice, not just an emotion. Managing expectations means loving with clarity, knowing that love doesn’t guarantee alignment, commitment, or forever. Love, like everything else, is impermanent. It evolves, it reshapes us, and sometimes, it leaves.
I’ve chosen to grow love for myself rather than keep blaming myself for past mistakes. And this is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned so far—the importance of growing in love, of making conscious choices, of being intentional in relationships of any kind. I chose this path because I know that by doing so, I can manage my expectations, aim for clearer goals, and deal with rejection or failure in a healthier way.
Maybe I’ve finally become a responsible adult with enough self-awareness to approach love differently. Or maybe this consciousness is just another impermanent phase I’ll live through. But one thing I know for sure—the idea of growing in love feels far steadier than falling in love.
At least, for me.
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