Unspoken Complexity and Vulnerability
Some local metal gig in Bulungan Open Air, around the end of 2011
"Why do you never take your life seriously, Ga? You're still young; when you make a mistake now, you still have time to fix it. But later on, when you're older, there won't be any time to patch up those mistakes. Grow up."
Said my uncle when I was around 15 years old and got another detention from school. My mom was so furious that she decided she just couldn't handle me anymore. Even though I was no longer living under her roof, those letters from the school kept coming to her house, giving me another therapy session from either relatives or my mom's next-door neighbor when we accidentally met on a bus or somewhere near my mom's neighborhood.
Seringai was playing in Bulungan Open Air, around 2012
I completely agree with "Berhenti Di 15" by Seringai. That song perfectly captured how I felt my life stopped when I was 15. I left my parents' house when I was 13, couch surfing to my junior high school and high school best friends' houses or my extended family, who genuinely let me live under their roof, fed me while I helped them take care of their music studio. When I was running out of options, I practically lived under the Blok M Underground bus station or Martha Tiahahu Park in South Jakarta. Busking, selling bootleg band merchandise, and scraping food from the trash bin, I survived those. I survived my own stupid decisions that I made as a teenager who barely understood that life is more than just making rebellious moves to prove a point to my parents.
My extended family, B35, the end of 2020
I decided to build myself that way—living on the streets, nomad-ing before it was cool, and becoming a lifestyle like those Instagram influencers hyped about. I built a thick wall around me, wearing invisible armor that I swore no one could ever penetrate. Then I finally took my life seriously, especially after I got divorced. It wasn't a seamless journey, of course.
Misery Index Tour, Bulungan Open Air, 2010 (?)
I hadn't yet developed the capabilities to create smooth UI/UX or "product mapping" for my own life back in the day, in my early 20s to be exact. But I became fully aware that I was starting to see things differently, reading people through different lenses and optics. Maybe that's one of the reasons that every time I decided to have a date or try to get a date, these men said the same thing to me over and over again:
"You take life too seriously, no room for fun. You overanalyze things from time to time. I thought you were this fun girl to be around. Turned out, you're too complex, too serious, too opinionated."
Though I still got dates anytime I wanted, that statement pierced my mind, lingering like a residue that I knew would take time to wash off. Then I started to overanalyze things again, trying to assess which areas I could improve. I listened and looked within myself, spending more time with myself, trying to have a decent conversation. The void, the anger, the resentment, the bad and good memories... and everything in between.
Two of my junior high school best friends, reunion somewhere around 2018?
It's not about what's wrong or right; it's just how I value myself and my life. The moment that statement creeps in, creating an ounce of insecurity or even shaking my self-esteem, it's time to let it be. If it hurts, then I need to acknowledge it's hurting me or bruising my ego, but that statement doesn't define me. I am more than that.
There's always this unspoken complexity and vulnerability within me that I can't even find words to explain, and from time to time, it surfaces, and people catch it. Just like when I first listened to Maffew La Fur's new song, "A83 Buddha Hocking." I can't quite grasp the meaning behind the title, and I barely catch the lyrics Maffew sang because the intricate music arrangement envelops the song, but I can still enjoy it. I've been playing this song since last night, and haven't stopped at all. It's not because I finally get the meaning or even the definition, but because I captured the same unspoken complexity and vulnerability that Maffew poured into this song, which I've been having for maybe more than 10 years now; I've seriously lost count.
After my best friend's wedding reception, around 2017
Everyone has their own complexities and vulnerabilities, and everyone also has their own reasons behind those complexities and vulnerabilities. Judgment and prejudice tend to get us lost and decide to just say things that supposedly don't have to be said when the first chance to say it comes knocking on our doors. Is it maybe because we're so afraid of getting hurt that we subconsciously hurt other people first?
🥹🙏🏼
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