Humans and Reassurance

 

(Photo by Yan Krukau on Pexels)

As one of the millennial generations that experienced the transition from analog to digital, from the undying unconditional love stories to the fast food meat joint dating app, and from enjoying the heart-melting-wicked dating days to the "are we gonna do this or not?" on the first date encounters. Then one of the facts, is that are most of us either a divorcee, a widower, or just in plain bad luck in a failed relationship series that seems hard to dodge.

Nobody is getting any younger these days, and I can say that we're still walking or running in the same circle over and over again. Like one wise man who told me: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So... are we all insane, but hesitant to admit it? Or are we, subconsciously, changing the direction and the definition of insanity itself? Simply like, we normalize it.

Blame Lola Young, a quirky, hot, genius, gut-wrenching UK musician, who is just 23 years old, whom I've been obsessed with lately. Her last album "This Wasn't Meant For You Anyway", and one of her tracks "Wish You Were Dead" quite captured my dating days, then and now. Well, most of them remind me of my mid-20s and early 30s dating days, to be honest.

"Can you come around?
Fuck me nice
Pull my hair
Sing me lullabies

We can pretend that we're in love"

It was so easy to lure men (and some of them were women too) to my place back then, especially when I get so bored. A quick text like: "Hey, wanna come over?" or when they can't come over to my place, they'll ask me to come over to their place. Get in, and get off, as easy as the summer breeze. It was fun, with no strings, no hard feelings, then when one of us caught feelings, we settled it as quickly as we could. Both parties knew what we needed, which was to blow some steam off.

The thing is, thankfully, I met quite a lot of men who can say this kind of thing up front, without mixed signals, without letting me guess or creating crazy scenarios or assumptions. Yeah, most women do this stuff, I do too, from time to time. However, at the end of the day, I can communicate or articulate it to them.

"When you come around
I'll wear red
I'll forget all the awful things you've ever said
Though we can pretend that we're in love
We can pretend that we're in love"

I can say that to some extent when we hit our lowest point of self-esteem, we can do unreasonable, unbearable, and unbelievable things like forgetting the awful things that men/women (you choose your side) do for the sake of sexual encounters, or cuddle time-leads-to-sex-anyway-time. Because deep down inside our body just needs that skin-to-skin connection from other human beings. Our bodies (and in some cases, souls, yeah I know, I typed that, fuck off) crave that, but we often translate it as the need for sex.

Women and men need constant reassurance from other human beings, that we're still worth the time, the energy, to fight for, the deep conversation, the touch, the laugh. In that time, we're exchanging energy, we're expanding our horizons to other different beliefs, points of view, and life experiences... so we can learn and understand each other more. We compromise on things that usually could be our "dealbreaker" or "the ick".

"Until I throw a punch

You call me a cunt
And that tips me over the edge
You throw my phone out the window
The next thing thе neighbor said she's calling the fеds
And I wish you were dead
For a sec
I wish you were dead

I wish you were dead"

That chorus reminds me of the third time my ex-husband laid his hand on my face repeatedly, and then I gave him back more than he could take. He looked surprised, trying to process what just happened. I told him: "I can't take this anymore. Not anymore." then he started crying, begging for my forgiveness. I wish he was dead, not for a sec, but for a long time. So I won't have to deal with the violence anymore. I stayed on that fucked up marriage for another six months before I filed a divorce. That was the perfect example of "unreasonable", "unbearable" or "unbelievable" things that I did for the sake of expecting he would change. Turned out, I'm not some fucking mental institution that can provide it to him. Ha, jokes on me.

Since I'm getting older day by day now, I'm seriously hoping I'm wiser and smarter enough now. Wise enough not to have an "I can fix this person" thinking state anymore towards anyone. If you're damaged and fucked up, that's on you. I'm here when you need ears to listen to your problems, but in my terms, not yours. Smart enough not gonna fall into that kind of physical and mental abusive relationship anymore. And can be the bigger person, or have a bigger heart when dealing with rejection. My near-death experiences are just too many, I'm starting to lose count, and I'm not proud of it.

However, like I said before, women and men need constant reassurance from other human beings, that we're still worth the time, the energy, to fight for, the deep conversation, the touch, the laugh. The thing that we need to change, so we can stop normalizing insanity, is how are we going to approach this new person that came into our life, and give us quite an impression. So both of us won't get lost in a puddle of assumptions, or expectations that we haven't tried to communicate to each other. Sure, communication is key, but comprehension makes it so much better.

"Wish You Were Dead" really moved me, and gave me a smile from ear to ear the first time I listened to it, and has been on repeat for a few days now. The way Lola sang the first verse was so inviting, convincing, and intoxicating at the same time... especially the "we can pretend that we're in love" part. How many of us did or still do that? I know I did that quite a handful of times. I'm not gonna lie here, I've been missing the thrills, the roller-coaster ride feeling, the tsa tsa tzu when I was in love. And I haven't been in love for a long time now, I just realized it. It's really impossible to feel that kind of love again for me now, to be honest. Lust, desires, and infatuation appear more significantly as the day goes by.

Lola Young, you're one hell of a creature, human being, and musician. Hats off to you, Miss. I wish I had that brain of yours, so I can create art as nearly as moving as yours.

"Wish You Were Dead" - Lola Young
Ubud, 3rd November 2024