A Beautiful Process of Contemplating

 

(Photo by Ron Lach on Pexels)

In 2008, the millennials’ world was shaken by The Twilight Saga’s first movie, Twilight, and I was one of those who watched it because I had already read the book. I was just curious to see how Edward Cullen and Bella Swan would appear in human form. I cringed a lot during the movie, except for the part when “Decode” by Paramore played. For me personally, that song stood out more than the movie itself, and it was also the first time I learned about Paramore.

I never knew that Paramore had actually contributed two songs to the movie. “I Caught Myself” was recorded for the Twilight (2008) soundtrack alongside their other track, “Decode.” The song features in a scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) accompanies Angela (Christian Serratos) and Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as they try on prom dresses. I honestly didn’t even care about the scene; I was just focused on the song itself, which I rediscovered today while playing my Daily Mix playlist on Spotify.

Hayley Williams is definitely one of the strongest female vocalists of my generation. Every song on every Paramore album always strikes my heart and mind simultaneously. The stories behind the lyrics, the emotion she pours into them, the hidden messages and the metaphors she and the band create are just some of their defining qualities as an American alternative/indie, pop, and rock band. While many bands have been created, each of Paramore’s albums tells a unique story, and their work remains one of my favorites.

If we simply associate “I Caught Myself” with The Twilight Saga’s first movie, we miss the depth it offers about the things we suppress in the back of our minds. This song made me realize the things I don’t want but often simplify into “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” just to avoid offending others. Listening to it now takes me down memory lane—not intensely, but enough to make me nod, smile, and reflect.

“Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that

I should’ve never thought

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that

I should’ve never thought of you

Of you

You’re pushin’ and pullin’ me

Down to you

But I don’t know what I want

No, I don’t know what I want.”

I remember when one of the companies I used to work for promoted me as their youngest VP. Deep down, I didn’t want it, but I felt forced to accept it. Every day, I was pushed front, back, and center to live with that decision. The endless hours behind the desk, constantly creating and working, pumping my blood with Xanax and The Holy Deer—24 hours were never enough. But I didn’t want that life.

Or the time I said yes to a dinner date with a man who was obnoxious, pretentious, and immature—just because I needed his network and “backdoor connection” to people I didn’t even want to be involved with. It was one of the longest, most unpleasant dinner dates I’ve ever had. I hated every conversation, the fake sweet talk, and the unwelcome touches. None of it was genuine, and the memory still gives me chills.

When I hit 30, I don’t know where the courage came from, but I finally learned to say, “NO,” “I DON’T WANT TO,” or “I DON’T NEED IT.” I felt liberated, finally in full control of my life. Sure, some aspects still require influence from societal constructs, beliefs, or organizational rules, but I now hold the reins.

“You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You’re leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You’re not the one I believe in
With God as my witness.”

But that control weakens when I encounter people who arouse my mind with their intelligence, thought processes, or unique perspectives. They articulate life in ways I’ve never considered, loosening my grip bit by bit. In those moments, I trust the adrenaline over my intuition. The exchange of ideas and the shared contemplation are processes I deeply value.

Yet, this can lead to push-and-pull energy, mistranslated gestures, and unmet expectations. Both parties might end up disappointed because we subconsciously create our own narratives about the other person. This is often when one or both of us start saying, “I DON’T KNOW” or “I’M NOT SURE.” These moments stem from feelings we can’t fully process or understand, even as we try.

For me, phrases like “I DON’T KNOW,” “I’M NOT SURE,” and “STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT” are simply forms of validation that we need time for inner work. We need to know ourselves more deeply rather than relying on external validation. This self-awareness helps us make sharper decisions when facing challenging situations, using gentle yet firm words, gestures, and tones.

A new acquaintance recently told me, “Stop looking outside for answers.” That inspired me to write: “We NEED to take time for inner work rather than outer work, so we can keep making progress as human beings.”

“Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should’ve never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something that
I should’ve never thought of you
I knew
I know, in my heart, it’s not you
I know
But now, I know what I want
I want
I want.”

So, from now on, let’s step up our game as human beings in this messy society. Be gentle and compassionate with ourselves first, so we can reciprocate that kindness to others. And don’t be afraid to say “NO” when something doesn’t align with our values.

I don’t know how one song sparked such deep contemplation, but I’m grateful to Hayley Williams and Paramore for creating it. This song has helped me more than I can say.

"I Caught Myself" - Paramore
Ubud, 16th November 2024