The day was a bit busy, after practicing basketball with my team, the music studio got a 2-hour booking from this local band, focusing on Post-Hardcore, and Emo genres. I honestly didn't remember the band name, but I bet we all can remember their appearances, with the sleek hair closing their face in half, black eyeliner and nail polish, with spike belt and Chuck Taylor Converse, or signature top-high vans.

And they were blasting this song, "Seven Years", relentlessly, and beautifully put. No mistakes at all (from my point of view). My jaw dropped, my heart beat faster, and something in my chest was trying so hard to get out. After they finished the song, the drummer asked the rest of the band members, to go one more time with the same song. He missed a beat he said, especially on the outro. And they go again, and I got an intense short breath. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I ever had in high school.

The story behind the lyrics was simple, as I thought back then. Anthony Green expressed his difficulties regarding his past relationship, and how he was trying so hard to let go of the past, even after seven years, he seemed couldn't get a grasp on what he was supposed to do more, so he could live his own life freely from the burden, and maybe some rage and resentment towards it. This was my thinking back in high school.

But today, I can say most of it has changed. I'm 37 years old now, and the year is 2024, I woke up brokenhearted, with a weight of disappointments, and of course resentment. When I was about to get ready to start my training, I was looking for a playlist that was suitable for this uncomfortable morning, and then my thumb stopped on this song. Pressed play on repeat for the next hour. It was literally an intense journey back to the past. The bullying, the abuse, the lowest point of self-esteem, sleep deprivation on the streets that I used to literally live in, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt, it was basically everything that has shaken me to my core, re-appear on the surface. I pumped my dumbbell harder and harder every time the memories came in.

"Seven Years" for me now, it's not only about how a person trying so hard to let go of the most unhappy, fucked up relationship, that he/she was in. It's also about how he/she sees themselves in regard to the chaotic period of their lives. It's also about how he/she tries to deep dive to find the fundamental answers to the unhealthy patterns that they were living in. It's also about how their faith in God or themselves has fallen, and they've been trying to rise from the crumble and find themselves once again. In my head, when I thought about this, It wasn't like a Phoenix, it was more humane than that.

"Seven years, you assured me
That I'd be fine if I complied
Only push the way off to fight you
Only push the way off to fight you
Now I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure
Getting off my chest
The story ends"

This verse captured it perfectly for me. "That I'd be fine if I complied" is way more religious related rather than a conversation between two (or more) human beings. I'm sure in any kind of religion, there's always this "statement" or "command", if you comply with this, you will get this in return, if you get what I mean. More transactional, business as usual. And once again, Anthony Green, questioned not only his God but also his faith, because he wasn't sure at all, after seven painful years.
---

I ended my training with not only sweats but also tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. Trying so hard to process all the outbursts, and didn't even bother to deny it. I just stand facing the rice field from my terrace, crying in silence. That moment was similar to the moment that I had back in the music studio. There's something want to get out of my chest so badly, all I can feel is just short breath and a deadweight. And it was this. This writing. I wish I could back to my old self, which is so cold, and unbothered at all. But nope, can't bury or repress all of these anymore apparently.

I finally came to an understanding, of why people did what they did. The gaslighting, the mental and physical abuse, the ghosting, the hanging high and dry, the manipulation, the empty promises, the sweet nothing, the lies... I get that. We do not always take the role of the victim, because from time to time, we also take the role of perpetrator. To ourselves, and to people that we encountered in our lives, whether we care about them or not. The next homework for me is to let them be and leave them be. As long as they don't come into my life and fuck everything that's already fucked up.

Fuck with the "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" statement. What doesn't kill you gives you PTSD, anxiety, and sleep deprivation. But the actions after that will define you, and most likely at least give you the direction, where, and how should you go with your life. Faith in God and yourself might fall, but when you still have time to get up, stand up, and just go for one more day, you better take that chance, rather than being stuck in motion and throwing another pity party.

*raising my third cup of coffee this morning* here's for Anthony Green, Saosin, and our battle scars. I thank you for this morning's roller coaster ride, it was a blast and such an awakening.

"Seven Years" - Saosin
Ubud, 9th October 2024