Amygdala Universe

As one of the millennial generations that experienced the transition from analog to digital, from the undying unconditional love stories to the fast food meat joint dating app, and from enjoying the heart-melting-wicked dating days to the "are we gonna do this or not?" on the first date encounters. Then one of the facts, is that are most of us either a divorcee, a widower, or just in plain bad luck in a failed relationship series that seems hard to dodge.

Nobody is getting any younger these days, and I can say that we're still walking or running in the same circle over and over again. Like one wise man who told me: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." So... are we all insane, but hesitant to admit it? Or are we, subconsciously, changing the direction and the definition of insanity itself? Simply like, we normalize it.

Women and men need constant reassurance from other human beings, that we're still worth the time, the energy, to fight for, the deep conversation, the touch, the laugh. In that time, we're exchanging energy, we're expanding our horizons to other different beliefs, points of view, and life experiences... so we can learn and understand each other more. We compromise on things that usually could be our "dealbreaker" or "the ick".

"Until I throw a punch

The day was a bit busy, after practicing basketball with my team, the music studio got a 2-hour booking from this local band, focusing on Post-Hardcore, and Emo genres. I honestly didn't remember the band name, but I bet we all can remember their appearances, with the sleek hair closing their face in half, black eyeliner and nail polish, with spike belt and Chuck Taylor Converse, or signature top-high vans.

And they were blasting this song, "Seven Years", relentlessly, and beautifully put. No mistakes at all (from my point of view). My jaw dropped, my heart beat faster, and something in my chest was trying so hard to get out. After they finished the song, the drummer asked the rest of the band members, to go one more time with the same song. He missed a beat he said, especially on the outro. And they go again, and I got an intense short breath. It was one of the most heartbreaking moments that I ever had in high school.

The story behind the lyrics was simple, as I thought back then. Anthony Green expressed his difficulties regarding his past relationship, and how he was trying so hard to let go of the past, even after seven years, he seemed couldn't get a grasp on what he was supposed to do more, so he could live his own life freely from the burden, and maybe some rage and resentment towards it. This was my thinking back in high school.

But today, I can say most of it has changed. I'm 37 years old now, and the year is 2024, I woke up brokenhearted, with a weight of disappointments, and of course resentment. When I was about to get ready to start my training, I was looking for a playlist that was suitable for this uncomfortable morning, and then my thumb stopped on this song. Pressed play on repeat for the next hour. It was literally an intense journey back to the past. The bullying, the abuse, the lowest point of self-esteem, sleep deprivation on the streets that I used to literally live in, the manipulation, the shame, the guilt, it was basically everything that has shaken me to my core, re-appear on the surface. I pumped my dumbbell harder and harder every time the memories came in.

"Seven Years" for me now, it's not only about how a person trying so hard to let go of the most unhappy, fucked up relationship, that he/she was in. It's also about how he/she sees themselves in regard to the chaotic period of their lives. It's also about how he/she tries to deep dive to find the fundamental answers to the unhealthy patterns that they were living in. It's also about how their faith in God or themselves has fallen, and they've been trying to rise from the crumble and find themselves once again. In my head, when I thought about this, It wasn't like a Phoenix, it was more humane than that.

"Seven years, you assured me
That I'd be fine if I complied
Only push the way off to fight you
Only push the way off to fight you
Now I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not sure
Getting off my chest
The story ends"

This verse captured it perfectly for me. "That I'd be fine if I complied" is way more religious related rather than a conversation between two (or more) human beings. I'm sure in any kind of religion, there's always this "statement" or "command", if you comply with this, you will get this in return, if you get what I mean. More transactional, business as usual. And once again, Anthony Green, questioned not only his God but also his faith, because he wasn't sure at all, after seven painful years.
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I ended my training with not only sweats but also tears streaming down my face uncontrollably. Trying so hard to process all the outbursts, and didn't even bother to deny it. I just stand facing the rice field from my terrace, crying in silence. That moment was similar to the moment that I had back in the music studio. There's something want to get out of my chest so badly, all I can feel is just short breath and a deadweight. And it was this. This writing. I wish I could back to my old self, which is so cold, and unbothered at all. But nope, can't bury or repress all of these anymore apparently.

I finally came to an understanding, of why people did what they did. The gaslighting, the mental and physical abuse, the ghosting, the hanging high and dry, the manipulation, the empty promises, the sweet nothing, the lies... I get that. We do not always take the role of the victim, because from time to time, we also take the role of perpetrator. To ourselves, and to people that we encountered in our lives, whether we care about them or not. The next homework for me is to let them be and leave them be. As long as they don't come into my life and fuck everything that's already fucked up.

Fuck with the "what doesn't kill you make you stronger" statement. What doesn't kill you gives you PTSD, anxiety, and sleep deprivation. But the actions after that will define you, and most likely at least give you the direction, where, and how should you go with your life. Faith in God and yourself might fall, but when you still have time to get up, stand up, and just go for one more day, you better take that chance, rather than being stuck in motion and throwing another pity party.

*raising my third cup of coffee this morning* here's for Anthony Green, Saosin, and our battle scars. I thank you for this morning's roller coaster ride, it was a blast and such an awakening.

"Seven Years" - Saosin
Ubud, 9th October 2024

[JAKARTA] After introducing the first taste of the Amygdala trilogy universe back in 2020, author Mega Arnidya known as Mpokgaga officially launched its sequel called: "Amygdala: The Lingering Residue". In its second installment, the story of lead character Ishtar Mahendra Sumoprawiro continues, as she ponders about the unfinished and lingering residue from her past encounters and experiences.

"Most of us (including me, of course), still struggle with guilt, fear, and insecurities while starting a new relationship, whether internally or externally. In my second book of the trilogy, Amygdala Universe and its characters try to chronicle what they have been through and what they would do to escape the puddles of residue that hinder them from moving on with their lives and face the unfinished businesses that need closure," said Mpokgaga.

Experiences that every human is going through must have left traces or crumbs in every nook and cranny of our brains and hearts. Mpokgaga takes the readers to enter the universe of Ishtar far deeper through her journey across various cities and countries. New or recurring characters whose paths have crossed with Ishtar, will meet again and trigger a myriad of emotions, memories, and reactions. Similar to its predecessor book, Mpokgaga did her research by digging into her personal experiences, as well as her close friends' stories to develop premises for this fictional literature. She admitted to sacrificing her own peace by reliving bitter memories about her past as a domestic violence survivor in a 'nausea-inducing' way before writing paragraph after paragraph in this book. After all the deeds were done, Mpokgaga realized she also had to clean up all the residue that lingered within her for her own good in the future.

Having shared tales that highlight mental health issues, the launching of this second book could not be separated from the success of the first book titled "Amygdala: A Journey in Repressing Memory". Through the story of Ishtar, the readers are immersed in the ups and downs of this character's life. 

"Not only on a mental level, even some of the readers got physical reactions upon reading my first book like dizziness, nausea, vomiting, up to insomnia. I already told them to read this book while they're mentally stable, but some readers paid no mind to my warning and went ahead to read this book. Most of the feedback I got was that this book was INSANE." uttered Mpokgaga.

While she did not set a specific response from her readers, the lady who is also an expert in digital marketing said that her goal to release this trilogy remains the same, which is storytelling. "Every story has its own portion of residue with a similar dose. My highest expectation of introducing the Amygdala Universe is how I could keep telling the truth, and everyone could experience that," added the author.

The second book of the Amygdala trilogy called "Amygdala: The Lingering Residue" by Ega Mpokgaga was finally released in its physical version that readers can purchase through Shopee or Tokopedia on February 21st, 2024.

About The Author

Mega Arnidya, also known as Ega Mpokgaga or simply Mpokgaga, is a domestic violence survivor and has been working both full-time and part-time in the Advertising & Digital Marketing industry for over 14 years. Since 2021, she has had the opportunity to reside in Ubud, where she continues to learn the importance of not rushing through life's endeavors.