Survival At The Fittest
December 29, 2020
You know... I've always been wanting to be a person that everyone can count for. To be everyone's top of mind, everytime they have a problem and need someone to solve it. I've always been wanting for them to call me, hear me out. 20 years later, I became that person, and I've had enough. It was never an easy thing to do. And it never will.
I gave, and gave, and gave, over and over again. It wasn't like they didn't give me something back. It wasn't a transactional stuff all the time. But from time to time, yes it was. And I was okay. I tried to understand, learned a lot from it. But I've had enough. I put my heart on the table for everyone too much, I gave everyone too much, and I've been forgetting about myself. Can barely stand on my feet.
I didn't blame everyone for everything. I even stopped blaming myself, since all I've got just a disgusting self-loathing, and whining, and crying for hours and hours, even days. And regrets. Resentments. So I stopped doing that. All those stuff that had been taken for granted, those love and gestures that had been in vain... That was just me being myself, nothing less, nothing more. Just me.
Good Cry, Good Sense, A Relief Heart
Setiap kali gue butuh a good cry, and trying to make a good sense, I watched these : "Tears of The Sun", "Hotel Rwanda", "The Notebook", "The Judge" dan sejak tahun 2019 sampai hari ini, satu tambahan lainnya "Avengers: Endgame". Iya, gue buka cinephile, tapi film-film tersebut selalu bisa menohok hati dan isi kepala gue.
Selama Pandemi, gue butuh alasan lain untuk menangisi tahun ini. Nggak cuma karena selalu mikir kapan ini bisa selesai, tapi juga (paling nggak) mengingatkan gue, biar bagaimanapun, ada tujuan akhir yang perlu gue capai. Nggak peduli susahnya kayak gimana, but it will always be my choice, my call, not everyone's.
Dan setiap kali gue selesai nonton film-film tersebut, tangis gegerungan yang sudah keluar, selalu berakhir dengan hati yang sedikit lega, sedikit terasa lapang... sedikit terasa... besok masih bisa dijalani, walau cuma ada sedikit harapan. Then again, hope is a fuckin' dope. Literally, if you get what I'm trying to say here.
Not Alone, But Lonely
Cuma di tahun inilah, setiap kali sahabat, teman atau kenalan gue checking up on me, jawaban gue selalu sama : "I feel so fuckin' lonely, even though I'm not even alone in this house, or out there on Twitter timeline, Instagram Feed/Stories... I am so fuckin' lonely. Reminding the fact, that I cannot see each everyone of you in person, cannot hold your hands, laughing at our silly jokes, get wasted... or even going to the office by riding a GoJek. I am so fuckin' lonely."
Kita semua menghadapi ini di keseharian kita sejak Maret hingga Desember. Nggak kehilangan kewarasan saja rasanya sulit dibayangkan sebelumnya, tapi ya... syukurnya, gue dan kalian semua yang menyempatkan diri untuk membaca ini, masih memiliki kewarasan.
Merangkul setiap kesepian layaknya kawan lama (yang bukan retail), dan menyuguhinya teh manis hangat, atau kopi tanpa gula, atau ya... bolehlah, sedikit alkohol untuk sekadar melemaskan syaraf yang kurang istirahat.
Apalagi tiap kali lihat penambahan kasus COVID-19 yang sumpah demi apapun, nggak kelihatan melambat sama sekali. Believe me, we all are lonely, deep down inside. Because we knew, nothing's ever going to be the same again.
Survival At The Fittest
If I knew Darwin back then, I might worship him like a God. We know this phrase. Originated from Darwinian evolutionary theory as a way of describing the mechanism of natural selection. This is, what's been happening to all of us globally. Natural selection. God's maneuver, from my point of view.
December is almost end, 2020 is almost end. It's right around the corner, three days more to be exact. I made my peace, resentments are too corrosive, and I don't wanna hit the bed with a heavy heart. Please forgive my mistakes, would you? If we still have a chance to see each other next year, let's make a deal... don't take it for granted, make it count. Since we don't know, how long it's going to be lasts.
P.S
I've been missing you so much, Dad... maybe it supposed not to be this hard if you're still here with us.
South Jakarta, 28th December 2020
"Somebody To Love" - Queen
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